So Many Things But Most This One

So many things have happened since I last posted here, but most this one still is with me daily. Shortly after my planned return to blogging near the end of July 08 my dearest and best friend of 18 years told me she was dying of cancer. It was a rapid illness and she died on September 29. It's taken me from then until now to be able to write anything about it. Something has irrevocably changed. I have become acutely aware of how temporal this life is, of how precious my loved ones are, of how I want to savour the small things. Acutely aware too of what a privilege it was to know some-one so amazing for 18 years. To be able to walk with her as far as I could before she walked where I cannot go. To be able to sit with some-one after all those years and say to each other that we had no unfinished business, nothing that needed to be put right, that we loved each other deeply and would see each other again.

There is this deep other thing I carry - I don't know what it is. Grief? It is more than grief I think. It is the realisation that things will always be different, and the longing to see more than through a glass darkly.

I can't do justice to 18 years of friendship in a blog post. But I can say that to start with she was more of a mentor - she taught me to love others, to laugh, and to look at things from a more merciful perspective (including how I looked at myself). Later on we were there for each other. The laughter was always there, even in each others hard times. Even days before she died.

I was able to go away for a while last month. I took this photo while I was away. I posted it here because it reminds me of the greater gentleness that she drew her gentleness from. It reminds me that all things are made beautiful in their time, and that eternity is set in our hearts. We say farewell at the shore, and wait hopefully by the sea for a long time after.