I'm Not There Yet: Living the Process

This is one of those situations where I feel like I should be at a certain place but I'm not there yet. It reminds of car trips when I was a kid. Being excited about the destination and finding it unbelievable that we still aren't there. It makes perfect sense to a child to ask "Are we there yet" every five minutes. That's why they got into the car in the first place - to get there!

It's taken me all day yesterday to figure out that this is what I've been wrestling with. This week I received some bad news regarding the health prognosis of some-one I know. It's undone me to say the least. Being upfront, I've found it very painful, and have had to withdraw in some ways (from other activities) and start processing it. As you do when big things break into everyday routine. She's a wonderful woman who is generous, witty, perceptive, artistic and with a strong faith. It has grieved me.

I'm aware of the theological positions. But being honest, sometimes when the theological positions are cut and dried I feel set against God somehow, because I think I should be superhuman and simply line up with theory. My emotions won't fall into place, and the theory feels like a reminder of my great shortcomings. In a way it is - I simply do not have it within myself to accept the personal reality of some-one I care about who is suffering. Yet in another way I need to live the layers that make up the theory. I need to take the journey.

It is not that I am set against God, but rather that God is with me at this point - right where I am at now. I will be learning the theology by living it, understanding that faith is the evidence of things unseen. I know others go through this kind of process, which is partly why I have written this. And partly because I wanted to get my thoughts out. I realise I have talked mostly about myself, and that's because of privacy issues for my friend. As I come to the end of this post, I am intensely aware of God's love and that he is with us. We have the spirit of the destination with us in the journey. It's like driving through the night to reach a city. We'll know we are there when we see the bright lights. On the way there we are given a light from the city to carry. It may sound paradoxical, but in this moment it makes perfect sense to my heart.